I Quit.

This is going to be a dry, unedited, unpolished post. This blog was created to document my thoughts on my journey through learning and self-discovery. Exit now if you have accidentally ventured unprepared for what lies ahead.

For those of you(who am I talking to? My future self? My readers? Both I suppose) that do not know I have for a period of about a year now been “hired” at a little known transcription website. What led to my discovery of this site, the exact things that needed to be put in place for it to be a realistic and feasible job are non-trivial. Even if the job itself is. In working for about a year I have earned roughly 54$ to date, of which I am entitled to 50 currently sitting in my payoneer account non withdrawable for fear of the crippling 20$ withdrawal fee for international transactions. Of course, I didn’t work everyday of the period of which I had been hired. I had in the space of that time learned graphic design basics, did a few failed freelance projects on fiverr and 99designs. I had also gone back and forth from school, chemical engineering is no joke and demands your full focus and then some(Even at that I still end up short somehow :( ). I had also learned to touch type of which I am at a comfortable 60 something wpm peaking at 70 wpm. If I were serious about this freelance typing gig I could realistically make maybe 4-10$ a day, assuming I am willing to sacrifice an entire day caffeine infused, frantically searching for a job with having sore fingers and headaches from terrible audio quality. These go with the territory for the job I suppose? For those who do this, I see you on the leaderboards and have nothing but immense respect and admiration at your mad skillz. lol

I can’t possibly see room to grow in something like this. First of all, at my best I’d probably make a few hundred dollars a month and slightly more if I got promoted which makes the work slightly more bearable. This arithmetic progress is simply too slow and cannot merit any more of my time. I started this with large and lofty hopes of making about 3000$ in a year which I could re-invest in treasury bills and see a neat but small ~10% roi per month in an extremely low risk investment. That dream is deadened by the reality of my productive daily output and the time sacrifice required. Being a freelance transcriber was fun, it taught me many valuable things, beyond the skill of typing at a decent speed to record my thoughts digitally, it taught me perseverance and the value of painful focused hard work to accomplish anything of value. You may think what I have accomplished is trivial, almost pointless. After all what is 50$ in a year? It is nothing. I would disagree. For the first time in my entire life, I have earned money. I have taken initiative, done research, practiced, pooled tools and resources together, overcome many many little battles and triumphs and made an idea into a feasible reality even if it is incredibly watered-down. Obviously I have had many shortcomings in this journey, and better men than me would show far more impressive results with less resources and time. I am not those men, I can speak only of my progress and failures. The lessons I have learnt and the lessons I am still struggling to learn.

If I won’t be slaving away trading my time for tiny dollars what am I to do? My cgpa in chemical engineering is somewhere in between barely average and sorta almost failing. 2.38/5 as of writing I think? and some “carry overs” I cannot depend on a career in a field which has an extremely competitive crop(40 % of my class are excelling with at least a 3.5) and a dying manufacturing industry with limited job opportunities(Even with good grades it is still difficult to compete). People smarter and frankly more talented and suited academically to the complex math and blatant rote memorization involved will beat me at every corner (NOTE: Core engineering values are not taught or stressed. No courses in my experience evaluate or challenge the intellect on a conceptual, research or application basis although they pretend to). Not to mention the shrinking employment sector as a whole and the high barriers to employment as a fresh graduate. These are my WEAKEST areas intellectually. Looking at my past cgpa in secondary school, my sat results, my waec results, and assessing myself. I can honestly say I have chosen possibly one of the most challenging academic pursuits possible in light of my strengths and weaknesses. I have given myself the worst possible combination of which none of my strengths intellectually could act as buffers to scale the difficulty. Of course there are tools available to aid in the analysis of what is required and a reasonable unhealthy amount of hard work can get you a bit further and squeeze out a little more out of your mind than you thought was ever possible. Engineering is difficult, I suppose. This I will leave pending to evaluate its future worth and what can be made with this degree. The experience has given as much as it has taken away. Ultimately my failures are my own, irrespective of the circumstances surrounding it. Oh sweet hindsight, how you shine brilliantly and show the way to regret. I could have made better choices. We learn best through failure I suppose? It reinforces the message quite clearly if only you can listen rationally, quietly and patiently.

The question still remains what to do?

I have chosen in light of the circumstances to become proficient in two fields that show promise: Finance and Programming. This is not a trivial undertaking. It is not an adventure for the feint of heart. I am riddled with doubt every waking moment. Uncertainty plagues me. Are these endeavors realistic? Is this the stuff of pipes? Day dreams? Unrealistic 3000$ fantasies? lol possibly. How long would it take? Is it feasible? Truly? Can I piece together an education on my own? Can I be disciplined? What happens when I graduate next year? Forgive my language but will I be caught with my dick in my hand? All valid questions irrespective of profanity.

Then again do these questions really matter?

They serve to guide my decision making process so I don’t make a bad long term investment of time and other resources. Doubt is your friend as much as it is your enemy. Fear is your friend too, he loves you too much to let you take action and become inefficient wasting resources you already possess for the promise of resources you may never attain.

As always every action is riddled with risk and uncertainty. Unpredictability is not my friend. Yet it is the card I’m playing. I don’t like outcomes with strange probabilities, yet this is what I am faced with. I must make a choice. I have spent an entire week doing nothing productive. Thinking and doubting. Considering. I have slept on the choices. I have woken to no clear answers. I have awakened to no eureka moment or insight. My heart or instinct remains silent. No matter my desire to work at ‘something’ I need to have a direction. I have taken the time to think, the time to distance myself from the problem. I have looked at it from every conceivable angle that my mind can fathom. I am no closer to an answer today than I was last week when I halted all productivity writing code, sourcing tutorials or reading charts and graphs, sourcing financial data, analyzing macro-economic data and books recommended by ageing free resources like mit’s opencourseware or yale’s free courses on YouTube. Does it sound dumb? Like I’m hanging onto strings and threads from drowning? That’s because that is what is happening. Desperation. I don’t like it. It fogs the mind. It makes you rush decisions. It breeds regret with its time sensitive pressures and uncertainty.

What do I do then?

How long do I wait and think? One week? Two weeks? Why would I understand which path to take any more than today? I don’t want to rush this, but I’m not sure I have time to dawdle on a choice. It is a luxury my younger self was afforded but not my current self. A luxury wasted. How painful. No sign is coming. No miracle has presented itself.

Simply then, I must apply myself and hope for the best. Faith in the probabilities I have set for myself. Who knows? The outcome is likely to surprise me. Split focus is something that worries me between learning two difficult and in depth fields on my own no less. 5 or 6 years maybe? Assuming I can keep pace? It is laughable. Stupid even. Do I have a choice?

All the best,

-Haile Lagi

An obsessed youth